Narnia Recycled
by Rose and Psyche
Summary: When Angelica Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones stumbles into Narnia by accident, on purpose, and has /very/ strong /emotions/ about the kings, what will happen? Uh, canon? ish… Winner of the Lasaraleen Award for Most Intentionally Outrageous Mary-Sue from the 2013 Lion Awards.
1. For a Droll Story

For a Droll Story

* * *

><p><em>Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can. <em>

~Danny Kaye

* * *

><p>This story is transcribed from a set of emails discovered on a strange memory stick; though we have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which we now offer to the public fell into our hands. After much research, we were able to piece together the story. It appears to have happened immediately before Queen Susan and King Edmund departed on their voyage to Calormen to visit Prince Rabadash.<p>

~o*o~

Lucy sighed and exited the webpage. Something had gone wrong with the internet access _again_. She closed her laptop and looked up. She was in the Lantern's Waist Café, one of her favorite haunts. The lamppost itself was in front with the sign of the café hanging from the cross trees. You had to pay a silver tree to go look at the Wardrobe which was integrated into the back.

"Are you ready to order yet, your majesty?"

Lucy looked up to see a naiad with a notepad looking down at her.

"Um…" Lucy pursed her lips, "How about a High King Burger and a Turkish delight smoothie and a cup of Lantern's Own Pine Tree Tea?"

"Very good your majesty, anything else?"

"No thank you," Lucy shook her head, then pulled out her Narnia Wireless Strawberry. There was one new text from Peter.

'Greetings dear sister.

I received a message from a suspicious source that you might be in trouble.

Is this true?

Yr. Royal Brother,

Peter, High King.

PS If you could do something about the squriil issue, I would be most grateful.

P, HK.

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'_

Lucy shrugged and smiled, half wondering what she should write back. With a sigh, she opened her laptop and tried her emails again. It worked!

'Greetings Queen Lucy!

This message is just telling you that all technical issues that your computer was involved in are now fixed. I decided to turn my sights on bettering our wireless internet connection. I discovered that the problem was not entirely the rabbit at caldron pool (though he does create interference) but that Martin the centaur was having a duel and leveled one of our towers. I'm going to have a Martin the centaur detector put on the next one, it squirts perfume when disturbed.

Yr. Secrt. Adg.

443

_Sent From My Transitfone.'_

Lucy paused, hands over the keyboard. Hurriedly, she typed back.

'Wifi would be nice to have. Could you have it set up in Lantern's Waist Cafe? I hate having to plug my laptop in all the time…

Lu.'

Lucy closed her laptop again, unplugged it and put it in its bag. Her High King sized burger was placed on the table and as she looked up to say thank you, she froze. The waiter was not the naiad at all, but obviously a Gary Stu and she didn't like the way he was smiling at her.

Hurriedly she whipped out her iPhone and texted Peter.

~o*o~

Peter was in a conference when the message came in from Lucy.

'Peter! Come over here, I have a Gary Stu just for you...he doesn't realize that I will never fall for him if he ties the ropes too tight.

PS: what's a 'squriil'? Tell Ed about it, if it's a type of law he'll get it passed. I really don't have time right now.

_Sent From My Narnia Wireless Strawberry_'

Peter stared, eyes wide.

"I just knew it," he muttered, thumbs flying.

'Come there? But I can't make it in time! Anvard is a day's ride from the Cafe. I'm starting now, anyway. That wretch.

See you soon,

P, HK

A squirrel, my PC let me down.

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc._'

~o*o~

Meanwhile 443, Lucy's secret agent and bodyguard, was trying to reach the queen. She was a leopard, and quite remarkable with the keyboard and other technical devices. She had attended the University of Narnia and majored in Math (unfortunately, since she is still active, I cannot disclose her name).

443 checked her emails again and was on the verge of sending out a stealth bat when an email came in.

'443, I was just tied up by an extremely revolting Gary Stu and I have just managed to type this with my nose.

Lu'

443 whipped around and raced to the window.

"Night Shadow!" she called to the bat hanging in the corner, "I want you to send out a squadron of griffons to the Lantern's Waist Café immediately!"

Quickly, she sent a reassuring text to the Queen.

'I will contact your RBs again, and just in case, I'm sending a squadron of griffins from the base here. Did you ever hear from your RBs?"

443'

Almost at once, Queen Lucy wrote back.

'Gee thanks! I need help NOW! I just can't take Gary Stus that pretend to be wild Indians with long greasy hair, shirts flying open and New York accents...I just can't take it any longer. Right now he's on his knees swearing undying love! Why did this have to happen! I'm not as pretty as Susan!

Lu,

PS: at least I'm getting really good at typing with my nose; I've already looked up Gary Stuacide on the internet. I'm ordering some right now from Amazon . na, maybe it'll show up sooner then you will.'

At once, 443 took a flying leap out the window. She was coming to the rescue.

~o*o~

Peter on the other hand was riding hard. King Lune had offered him the use of his magic carpet, but magic carpets can only go so fast. Not to mention the refueling stops. Peter preferred horses.

Every five minutes, he glanced at his iPhone. _Finally_ a message came in.

'Just hurry up! Or else I will end up with major psychological issues and I will wander the castle chanting strange incantations.

Lu

PS: that's fine, I'd still advise you to tell Edmund about it. Right now I feel like exterminating all humanity. Squirrels are much nicer.

_Sent From My Narnia Wireless Strawberry_'

Peter slowed his horse to a canter and wrote back. It takes rare talent to text and ride at the same time. Peter was a master.

'I'm almost home. We've just stopped at a watering hole to water the horses.

P, HK

Has anyone heard from Ed since that strange Mary Sue incident? I haven't.

Ed, if you are reading this, please do the reappearing act. A kingdom can't run itself.

P.

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'_

Two minutes later Lucy wrote back.

'Good, but I won't need you. I figured out that the Stu made the ropes out of chewing gum and I was out in a moment. I think the Stu sustained injuries to his head. I'm at the Cair now.

Thanks anyway for your superhuman efforts to get here! I am writing this with my feet in a tub of hot water, Susan keeps muttering about inadequate body guards.

Lu

PS: what sue incident? I think I missed something. Did anyone spray her with Sueicide?

PPS: I was thinking about the squirrel issue. They dislike the internet. They say that it takes away their natural right of carrying messages. Someone needs to convince them that the internet is not a threat.

_Sent From My Narnia Wireless Strawberry_'

Peter pulled up his horse and sat there for a moment…all that riding for nothing? Chewing gum? What? He didn't even bother writing back, but turned his horse east. An hour later, he and his bodyguard approached Cair Paravel. They could see the wind turbines towering above the city and Peter could see the flash of sunlight off the solar panels on the castle roof. A flying horse trailing an advertisement for _Beaver's Anti Yellowing Agent Non-Fluoride Toothpaste_ flashed overhead.

"Well," Peter said, glancing at Peridan, "Shall we head to the Cair? I'm near starving."

~o*o~

Lucy took her feet out of the hot water and curled up on her window seat with her laptop. 443 had gone missing and she checked to see if there were messages from her. There were none. She had already written to say she was safe, but 443 was notorious for being very one track minded. Lucy created a new message.

'My bottle of Stuicide just arrived in the mail via Unicorn Postal Service and I see Peter galloping into the courtyard.

PS: I have a strong urge to go to the dungeon and see if this stuff works.

PPS: do you know where Edmund is?'

She glanced up at the bottle where it sat on her bureau. _Stuicide: guaranteed to last!_

There was a knock on her door and Susan slipped inside.

"Hullo!" Lucy said grinning.

"Lord Peridan says it's time for supper," Susan said. "He spent all morning trying to install LED lights in the Throne Room."

"How are all the robotic vacuum cleaners working?" Lucy asked closing her laptop and standing up.

"The talking hounds love them," Susan said, "They spend all their time chasing them around. There was one unfortunate episode when one of the dogs accidently knocked one down the cellar stairs. He says he'll go good on the damages."

"Good for him." Lucy said. "Peter just texted me, he wants to know if we're coming down to dinner."

"We'd better go, then," Susan said, hooking her arm through Lucy. "I must be so behind times! Everyone has an iPhone or a laptop and is texting right and left and I only have my old desktop PC."

"I know what to get you for your birthday, then!" Lucy laughed, "I'm pretty tired. Mind if we take the escalator down?"

"Of course not," Susan said.

"How is Rabid…?" Lucy asked.

"Well…" Susan said, "I think Rabadash is the same as ever and I do wish you would stop calling him 'Rabid'. It's unkind."

"Well, I'm certainly glad he went home this morning, I saw him waving from the fortieth deck of the cruise liner. I wish someone would come up with something better then sails to power those things with. By the way _where _is Edmund?" Lucy asked, "Do you know?"

"Um," Susan said, "It had something to do with the ball last night. Probably got on his nerves."

* * *

><p>AN: Is anyone having trouble differentiating the texts from the rest of the story?

I hope everyone has recovered from their Christmas Hangovers. (Happy boxing day, by the way!) I did post the last chapter of 'East of the Sun and West of the Moon' if you're interested. (Which you may not be). Can't stick around, as I have school work to do. (No Christmas vacation for me!)

~Psyche


	2. Thicken the Plot

Thicken the Plot

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><p><em>They dined on mince, and slices of quince, Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon<em>.

~Edward Lear

* * *

><p>Peter, meanwhile, (and the rest of the court) was sitting at the dinner table in the Great Hall, urgently texting Lucy. He didn't like dinner to be postponed.<p>

The door at the end of the Great Hall opened and Peter saw Martin the Centaur slip through, trying to be as small as possible. A distinct smell of perfume followed him to his place at the end of the table. 443, from her place under the table, knew at once that her Martin the Centaur detector had worked as planned.

Corin, Crown Prince of Archenland was sitting next to Peter, thumping and humming to the _Swaying Trees Narnia Jazzband _that he had uploaded onto his iPod. He was in Narnia for the yearly flying machine show held outside of the castle. Each year, flying horses, birds, bats, dragons and griffons competed against a pedal airplane that had been built by the flying squirrels. Corin had found that the pedal airplane was made of recycled milk cartons and was run by a dismantled bicycle. It normally required one to pedal _very_ hard and get _very_ red in the face before one went anywhere at all. One year it had ended in tragedy; the dragon had coughed in midflight and the poor pedal airplane (the _Spirit of Cair Paravel_ I believe) had melted away as surely as Icarus' wings. Fortunately, the flying squirrels were able to glide to safely.

Peter glanced down and saw at once that a text had just come in.

"It's from Edmund!" he exclaimed.

'Peter! This is Edmund!

I-am-so-mad!

Lucy, that little beast!

Do you know what she did? She maliciously had one of her people dress up as a Mary Sue and go after me at that ball! I vented my rage by hiring a Gary Stu, so she could get a taste of her own medicine. I hope she likes it.

I'm coming home, but I won't speak to Lu. Mudgloom has done wonders for my rage.

I am even more upset because Susan HAS ACTUALLY FALLEN FOR THAT RABID BEAST! She came to the marshwiggles to convince me to go to Tashbaan with her, I said I wouldn't, but I probably have to. It will lead to something bad, mark my words! She'll realize what Rabadash really is, I hope. Maybe you can order her not to go; I seem to have no sway.

Both my sisters have plummeted in my esteem.

Edmund the Angry

_Sent From My Purple Paisley Pattern iPhone'_

"Poor Ed!" Peter said, half grinning. Sobering, he glanced up thinking about Rabadash. How could Susan have fallen for him? Was it some sort of joke? Just then, the doors to the throne room opened again and Susan and Lucy came through. He beckoned them and they hurried over.

"I just heard from Edmund, he's at the marshwiggles."

"Oh," Susan said.

"Why is he there?" Lucy asked.

"He says you hired a Mary Su-"

"I…oh," Lucy said. "I was doing it to protect him!" she leaned closer, "from the girls at court!"

"Well, he's sore about it, Lucy."

"I'm awfully sorry…I won't do it again," Lucy said.

"I wonder if he knows where my new snowmobile is?" Peter mused.

"What snowmobile?" Susan asked.

"My snowmobile with the super-fast reindeer King Lune gave me for my birthday…it's gone missing."

Susan shrugged, "I prefer magic carpets, myself."

"I like horses," Lucy said.

"I like dragon drawn chariots," Lord Peridan said walking past, laden with food. He put his plate down on the table and sat next to Lucy. "Boy, It's hot in here, can someone turn on the A/C?"

"Anyhow," Peter said and hurriedly texted Edmund back.

'Ed, Calm down! One would think that the world is ending.

I'm sure she meant well...wait, that was a disguise? It was jolly well done. That wasn't necessarily Lucy's motive; she may have had a good reason for what she did.

You sent the Stu? Ed, how could you? I had to leave in the middle of a meeting with Lune to rescue Lucy. Oh, by the way, have you got my new Snow Mobile?

I am glad you are coming home; we have much to discuss where Su and the prince of Calormen are concerned. I'm sorry Ed; I can't order Su to do anything.

Lu is very sorry about having upset you. She promises it will not happen again.

Love,

Peter

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc._'

Almost at once, Edmund texted back.

'Maybe it is.

I've just heard some very disturbing news pertaining to Ettinsmoor. I'll tell you about it when I arrive.

A good reason? I wish she'd just stay out of my business.

I still think it served her right.

Yes, I had your snow mobile. Sadly it fell into a canyon and is now an odd assortment of nuts and bolts...don't be mad, I still have the reindeer, and I will get you a new one! By the by, do you have to have a license to drive that thing?

Ed,

PS: I wish we could somehow lock Susan in her room until this all blows over.

_Sent From My Purple Paisley Pattern iPhone'_

Dinner was just starting and Peter hated missing out, but he rattled out a reply anyway. The venison and French fries could wait.

'Blast.

Blast.

Just try to ignore it.

_Blast!_

P.

Not a chance.

Try to hurry, please.

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc._'

A moment later, just as Peter was raising a forkful of venison to his lips, Edmund texted back.

'I'm... coming, I…happen... to ...be... typing ...this ..while ..cantering... to... the... castle...very...bumpy...!

_Sent From My Purple Paisley Pattern iPhone'_

Peter read it once, then twice and scratching his head, texted back.

'Where'd you get a purple paisley pattern iPhone? I thought you had a Mybirch.

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'_

"_Is _Edmund coming back?" Susan asked anxiously. "I want to talk to him about something."

"He's on his way." Peter said, pulling his iPhone out again and reading a new message from Edmund.

'Rabid dropped it last week. Finder's keepers.

_Sent From My Purple Paisley Pattern iPhone'_

~o*o~

Peter was digging into dinner with gusto when he began to feel light headed. The room was beginning to whirl in great pink arcs. He saw Susan's face, grotesquely out of proportion. Lucy's nose seemed to be where her mouth normally was. Martin the centaur appeared to have a man's body at both ends.

The next moment, Peter, the High King of all Narnia, was out on the floor.

~o*o~

Susan stared in shock as Peter's chair went over backwards and hit the floor with a crash. Everybody was on everybody else's feet in a moment and there was a general cry of consternation as the High King thrashed about on the floor, a bright pink froth at his mouth. The next moment, he sat up, leered at everybody and scrabbled to his feet. He walked headlong into the nearest footman and only due to the latter's heroic efforts was the High King kept on his extremely unstable feet.

"Happy birthday!" Peter exclaimed giggling. Then he paused as his eyesight grew a shade clearer. "It's not your birthday!" he said pointing at the footman, "It's mine! How dare you say it's anybody…anybody…any…" He paused. "Was I saying something?"

"No Peter dear," Susan said taking a hold of his elbow, then clutched at him as he nearly fell on her, "I think you'd better go to bed."

"But it's my birthday!" Peter said and hiccuped.

"It's already been your birthday, Peter," Susan said firmly, then turned to the footman, "Do open the door, will you?"

~o*o~

A stunned silence followed the unceremonious exit of the High King and Queen Susan. Then everybody was at it hammer and tongs.

Corin had pulled the earphones out of his ears the moment Peter's chair had gone over and now, he was hard at work searching for clues. Then he saw it. A pink crust on the rim of Peter's birch beer glass.

"I think someone tried to poison him!" Corin cried, aghast. Nobody heard him. He paused, struck by this, "Gee, I wish it had been me!"

Lucy, meanwhile, was texting 443. She received a reply almost immediately.

'Out of office reply.

_Sent From My Transitfone.'_

* * *

><p>AN: Thank you all for your reviews! This story is not based on _Pop in Time,_ rather the other way around. _Narnia Recycled _has been in the works for three years and definitely has a life of its own. (:

In case you don't already know, we have a poll on our profile. We are very interested in what you think!

~Rose and Psyche


	3. With Flour

With Flour

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><p><em>Never look backwards or you'll fall down the stairs.<em>

~Rudyard Kipling

* * *

><p>Corin wasn't afraid to say he was <em>almost<em> happy Peter was poisoned. Oh, the High King was all right now, Susan had seen to that. Corin himself had seen the lines and lines of wise men and very wise men and very, very wise men, standing in a jam in the hallway outside Peter's bedroom door. Corin on the other hand, was going to solve the crime.

Hadn't _he_ been the one to see the pink crust on the rim of Peter's birch beer glass? Corin was going to investigate; King Edmund would if he was here.

That was something…where was King Edmund? Corin had heard something vague about him coming home through strains of the _Swaying Tree's Jazz Band_. But he wasn't _certain. _If Peter had been targeted, would Edmund be next?

Corin wandered outside and found that the moon was glimmering though the silent trees.

"Hello," Corin said to them, just to be friendly.

"Are you, like, _talking_ to the tree?" a voice came next to him, "that's just, like, _so_ weird?"

Corin spun around. "Who goes there?"

He saw her standing in the moonlight. She was incredibly beautiful; a beauty that even penetrated_ his_ girl-proof outer defenses. Her silvery blonde hair, shimmering in the moon shafts, seemed to reach her feet in flawless perfection. Her amethyst eyes stared at him from under inch long eyelashes. She wore a fluttering pale pink tunic sort of shirt; very strange, short hose and even stranger sandals with straps that came between the toes. Corin stared at her in wonder.

"My name is Angelica Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones, what's yours?"

"Corin."

"Is that it?"

There was silence.

"I mean, like, are you just _Corin_?"

"Well…yes," Corin said, "Am I supposed to have any more names?"

"Oy…that's just, like, _so_, you know…weird?"

"I'm Prince Corin at home."

"_Cool_."

"I thought it was rather warm out," Corin said, bewildered. Then added, "Where are you from?"

"I'm, like, from _Long Island_?" She scratched her chin with manicured purple fingernails.

"Where's that?" Corin asked, "Is it one of the Lone Islands?"

"No, it's, _like_, in _New York?_"

"New…York…" Corin said. "How'd you get here?"

"I just, _like_, went down the _drain_ in my bathroom and just, _like_, found myself here?"

"Wow," Corin said, "sounds exciting. Did you _just_ arrive?"

"I came, _like, _yesterday?"

"That's what I was wondering, when did you arrive?" Corin asked, reasonably puzzled.

"Yesterday?"

Corin shrugged. She was a girl. One never got anything reasonable out of a girl.

"Well," Corin said bowing with ceremony, "It has been an honor to meet you, Lady Anglia…uh-"

"_Angelica_ Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones," she replied. "Bye! See you! You know, we could, _like_…" she paused and fluttered her eyelashes, "_hang out_, you know?"

"What?" Corin asked, "Do you want to hang out…clothes? I'm sure if you dropped by the kitchen they might give you some work. Anyway, I've got to go."

He did indeed; something about her just scared him. He made tracks, _fast _and was almost glad to see the dark, comforting shape of the royal stables rising before him. He had to admit, Miss Angelica-

"Bother I've forgotten again," he said aloud, "might as well just call her by her initials."

Miss A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H. I. Jones, had him completely baffled.

"Hullo?" he said, "Edmund's back!"

A dark figure was just swinging down from his mount.

"Take him in and rub him down," Edmund's voice told the groom, "I've already cooled him out."

"Edmund!" Corin cried, running to him, "You wouldn't believe what's been happening! Peter's been poisoned!"

"Has he?" Edmund asked, "Tell me about it over dinner, I'm fairly starving."

"Right," Corin said, then stubbing his toe, he tripped and fell flat on his nose.

"Corin?"

"I'm fine," Corin said, he felt something soft and furry pressed against his leg. "There's something here."

"Is there?" Edmund asked, he pulled his LED flashlight out of his pocket (it was shaped like a 1940's model) and switched it on. The beam of light revealed the body of a leopard, on its back, all four paws in the air.

"It's 443!" Corin gasped.

~o*o~

"Here," Edmund said, "give her some of this."

"What is it?" Corin asked, taking the tiny flask Edmund handed him.

"It's ginger beer." Edmund said.

"Ginger beer?" Corin gasped, "I've been looking for ginger beer everywhere! Where did you get it?"

"From the private still in my room…under my room, rather. You go to the fireplace and push a certain stone and it drops. It's most inconvenient in the winter because of the fire…why am I telling you this anyway?" Edmund asked.

"I think she's starting to come around," Corin said, trickling ginger beer down 443's throat. 443 _was _coming around. Her four paws began to paddle the air and a moment later she leapt to her feet and promptly ran into Edmund.

"Good evening, madam," Edmund said, "May we be of assistance?"

"Your majesty," 443 reverently dropped into a bow, but being still rather unsteady, she collapsed in a heap on Edmund's toes. "Your majesty!" she gasped, "I once knew the identity of the criminal who tried to eliminate your royal brother, but alas, I have forgotten!"

"What happened to you, 443?" Edmund asked, kneeling down.

"I was coming hurriedly to warn your royal personages of the imminent threat posed by this unusual personnel when something large, bulky and…I don't remember anything until Prince Corin's valiant efforts to drown me in ginger beer."

"Ah," Edmund said. And really, when said in such a way with such a tone, nothing really more needed to be said. "Anyway," Edmund continued, "shall we go have supper? I'm famished."

"Of course," Corin said, then fished his iPhone out of his pocket to check for texts, there was one from the High King.

'Is Ed there? Susan is strangling me with worry'

_Sent from my manly red-and-gold iPhone, serviced by Lion Communications, Inc.'_

Corin grinned.

'Yep, he's here!

-Corin

~LuvsToMakeTrouble~

Sent From My Lion Communications Wireless Raspberry

~o*o~

Edmund was exhausted, but more than that, much more than that, he was _starving. _He hardly noticed the strange blonde haired girl who followed them into the Great Hall, or the fact that 443 was desperately trying to remember what she had forgotten.

Food was ahead.

Suddenly, from the end of the table came a terrible shriek. Everybody looked around to see the previously mentioned blonde headed girl crying hysterically.

"What is it?" she gasped, pointing at Martin the Centaur, "that's just _like_, so _impossible_!"

There was silence.

"Edmund!" she cried, running to him, "I need help!"

"Help?" Edmund asked, digging into his strawberry rhubarb sherbet, "try the nearest information booth."

"Oh, Eddy," she sobbed, "How could you?"

"Eddy?" Edmund exclaimed, rising, "How dare you call me 'Eddy'!"

He remembered his sherbet and sat down again.

"Um," A. B. C. D. E. F. G. H. I. Jones said. "Can we retake this scene?"

"Eh?" Edmund asked.

* * *

><p>Reviews...?<p> 


	4. And a Pinch of Salt

And a Pinch of Salt

* * *

><p><em>Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it. <em>

~Lewis Carroll

* * *

><p>Nobody slept well that night.<p>

Peter was having terrible pink dreams; Corin was going over the clues in his head again and again…what were the clues anyway?

Edmund didn't sleep at all. There was something about rhubarb that didn't sit well with him. It was near the middle watch of the night that he found that he had been asleep, for the simple reason that he woke up. There was a dark shadow creeping across his room.

"Die King Edmund!" A voice shrieked and something made extreme contact with the headboard of his bed.

There was only one thing to do. Edmund jumped out of bed and pulled the burglar alarm.

~o*o~

The next moment, the door of his room blasted open and a line of large shadows thundered in.

"Where's the light?"

"What happened?"

"Peter! You're on my toe!"

"That's my nose, not the light switch!"

"Bulb's burned out, someone get a torch!"

The next moment, Susan solved everything by turning on her flashlight and plugging in the lamp. Light glowed in the room. They stared at Edmund. Edmund stared back.

"Whatsup?" Corin asked, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Where is the burglar?" Martin the centaur exclaimed, drawing his claymore and accidently slicing through the power cord of the lamp with the same sweep. Darkness fell.

"Um…woops."

"Can someone put a guard on that sword someday?"

Susan turned her flashlight on again and Lord Peridan turned to the door to get a torch. Someone already had.

A beautiful girl with sparkling blonde hair stood with the torch in a slender hand.

"Hey!" Corin cried, "It's Ileana Henrietta Gabriella Fayella Estella Daniella Carissa Brianna Angelica…Jones!" Corin's face lit up, "Hey! I remembered it…I mean, all of it."

"It's really the other way around, it's Angelica Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones," A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. Jones explained, "But I'm like, just, so, like, _glad_ to be like, _helpful_."

"Anyway, Ed," Peter said turning to Edmund, "Why did you ring the burglar alarm?"

"Someone," Edmund said with a flourish, "Tried to murder me."

There was silence.

"Edmund!" Susan gasped, "_Who_?"

Edmund shrugged, "Dunno, but the knife used by this attempted murderer is still in my headboard."

There was a general rush to the head of the bed. And they saw _it_.

~o*o~

443 rushed in great bounds down the hallway. At last, through desperate mind searching, she had finally remembered the identity of the personage that had tried to poison the High King.

A moment before, she had heard the ring of the burglar alarm from King Edmund's room. Would she be too late?

~o*o~

"It's my toothbrush!" Peter cried, eyes wide, "My manly red and gold toothbrush with 'High King' engraved in gold! How did this happen? What foul fiend would dare use _my_ toothbrush, _my royal_ toothbrush, to brush Edmund's headboard? It's not fair!"

"Oh King Edmund!" Angelica Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones gasped, tears glittering in her eyes.

"What about my head?" Edmund asked. "I'm not worried about my headboard. I think that pink poison must have tainted your mind…" Edmund paused and stared at Peter with shock, he took a step back and glanced at the toothbrush as it quivered in the headboard, "you didn't…it wasn't _you_?"

"Have you gone bonkers, Ed?" Peter asked, "Of course it wasn't me. I wouldn't jeopardize my toothbrush like that! It cost me-"

Suddenly the door burst open, banged the wall, rebounded and slammed shut. It opened again, more quietly this time and 443 slid gracefully into the room.

"Sire," She said, bowing low before Peter, "there are nine of us in this room and one of the nine is the attempted murderer. It's not me, by the way," she added quickly for clarity's sake.

Everybody stared at everybody else with new eyes.

"Tell on noble beast," Peter said with a slight bow, "we listen for your voice."

"Aw shucks," Edmund said, "turn off the courtly tone, will you? It bothers me."

"Yesterday," 443 said, basking in the attention and pacing grandly, "The High King was poisoned with a near lethal dose of pinkafier. If he had had any more, he would have turned pink and died."

There was a gasp of horror.

"How terrible!" Lucy cried, "Blue would have been so much better!"

"Now tonight," 443 said, turning her eyes on Edmund, "there has been a murder attempt on King Edmund with a royal toothbrush."

"Low down, two faced, good for nothing…" Peter muttered, "Using my toothbrush, of all the beastly cheek."

"Now," 443 said, sweeping them with a penetrating gaze, "the almost murderer stands in this room, among us."

There was silence. Everybody leaned forward.

"I'm pretty sure it wasn't me," Lucy said. "I do sleepwalk, but…"

"Oh Peter! Pinkafier!" Susan broke down weeping.

"What about the toothbrush?" Edmund asked, hurt.

"Who is it?" Corin asked, "I've been trying to piece it together, but I really haven't gotten anywhere."

"Oh King Edmund! Oh King Peter!" Angelica Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones cried, slumping against the bed, weeping, "Who could do such terrible things! It's just _like_ so _wrong!"_

Susan went to comfort her and 443 turned to stare her down with unblinking eyes.

"Wait…" Edmund paused. "It wasn't…_her_?"

They all stared.

A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. Jones took a step back, "_Me_?" she stared at them innocently.

"Am I right in believing…?" Edmund paused, "no, it can't be."

"We have a Mary-Su in our midst," 443 proclaimed. All eyes turned to Angelica Brianna Carissa Daniella Estella Fayella Gabriella Henrietta Ileana Jones and all jaws dropped on the floor.

"Uh," A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H.I. Jones said, backing towards the wall, "Can we retake this scene?"

"Great jumping horny toads!" Susan whispered, aghast.

"Hey!" Corin squeaked, "That's my line!"

~o*o~

And so ended the emails on the memory stick. Rose and I offer no further explanations, nor extend any apologies. TRUE!—nervous—very, very dreadfully nervous we have been and are; but why will you say that we are mad? The disease has sharpened our senses—not destroyed—not dulled them. Above all is the sense of hearing acute. We hear all things in the Heavens and in the Earth. We hear many things in Hell. How, then, are we mad? Hearken! and observe how healthily—how calmly we told you the whole story. (;

* * *

><p>The End<p>

* * *

><p><em>Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. <em>

~James Thurber


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